When is a Question not a Question

The summer holiday period is in full swing, the level of traffic on roads on the way into work is much reduced.  The daily commute is almost tolerable, and hurrah for that. 

However, the rush-hour roads have been displaced by an altogether different kind of menace, in the form of grammatically flawed dot-matrix signs containing all kinds of inane, poorly-punctuated messages.  

Gone are the usual depressing selection of messages warning of traffic congestion, serious accidents and road closures.  Only, we seem to have entered the newspaper equivalent of the silly season, only with worse grammar. 

I give you a small selection of a few variable message signs that I’ve encountered on my daily commute along the A720 Edinburgh City Bypass: 

Have you got enough question marks?: 

“HAVE YOU GOT ENOUGH FUEL” 

“HAVE YOU FASTENED YOUR SEATBELT” 

“COULD YOU RELY ON YOUR SPARE TYRE” 

“COULD YOU CAR SHARE”

“CHECK YOUR VEHICLE IS YOUR LOAD SAFE”

“COULD YOU REDUCE YOUR CARBON EMISSIONS”

Without so much as an apostrophe or a full stop: 

“MOBILE PHONES – DONT RISK IT” 

“DONT ADJUST SAT-NAV WHEN DRIVING”

“DONT DRINK AND DRIVE” 

“DONT USE MOBILE PHONE WHEN DRIVING” 

“WEAR SEATBELTS – ITS THE LAW” 

“USE CORRECT CHILD SEAT DONT RISK IT”

So, the answer to the question in the headline is – when it doesn’t have a question mark at the end.  Oh, and I hope you spotted my deliberate mistake in not adding one to the headline. 

Please can we have some punctuation?

Now I know there is only so many characters you can use on these signs.  And I know we’ve all got a bit sloppy with things in this fast-paced, text-messaging days in which we all live.  

But there’s always space for a full stop or a question mark at the end of a sentence, isn’t there.  Oh look, I’ve just done it again.

You Don’t Have to Drive Saab to Work Here …

At Company Net, we don’t do company cars.  But if we did, the standard issue would surely be a Saab.  

In an earlier post I had claimed never to have driven a Saab.  How quickly some things change.  I’ve now taken consignment of my new car – a Saab 9-3, replacing my old wheels which were written off after fire damage:  

My Saab

 

This takes the Saab count at Company Net to something like 20% of the workforce.  It must surely be something to do with the reliable engineering and quality of the workmanship.  

On a daily basis the staff car park now resembles a Saab owners’ jamboree: 

Saab Owners' Jamboree

 

Company Net Staff Car Park

My Next Car?

It’s official - my Skoda is a write-off.  My girls have been busy specifying the requirements for the replacement: 

"The perfect car for you dad"

It breaks down as:

• “little bit faster than the old car”
• “3 seats in the back, 2 in the front”

The gold glitter sparkles down the sides, I’m assured, are a nice to have – rather than a mandatory requirement.  The search starts here. 

Skoda Sparks into Life for the Last Time

It looks like I’ve said my last goodbye to my trusty Skoda Octavia. For the last 8 years, and 110,000 miles she hasn’t skipped a beat. She’s been the model of reliability.

Last night, we left a friend’s family party in Edinburgh and loaded the kids into the car as we’d done dozens of times previously. We plugged in the seatbelts and turned the key in the ignition.

But instead of the usual throaty roar, strange combinations of lights appeared on the dashboard. This was quickly followed by pungent strands of smoke seeping beneath the dashboard into the cabin.

The strands of smoke became plumes, increasingly thick and noxious, so we unloaded the kids and dialled 999. By this time there were flames evident directly beneath the dashboard.

We moved away from the car in a state of confusion and disbelief. As the flames quickly developed and licked into the main cabin, the confusion had become helplessness – the kids now wailing with fear.

We waited.  Minutes seemed like hours.

It was only a matter of time before the upholstery would catch and transport the flames swiftly towards the fuel tank at the rear – more than half full with 30 litres of diesel.  We did our best to calm and re-assure the kids.

Within ten minutes of calling, we heard the wail of the siren, and the blue lights of the fire engine came flashing into view. The firefighters sealed off the road and moved swiftly and efficiently to douse the flames. The police arrived and were extremely sympathetic to our situation.

Evidently, an electrical fault underneath had the dashboard triggered the fire.  The fire retardant materials within the car had done their job, and prevented an inferno developing.  But the interior of the car was ruined, an acrid mess of melted plastics, burst airbags and trailing electrics.

The fire crew and police departed the scene. We were left with the car, unsecured and utterly undrivable.  We hailed a cab.

One £50 taxi fare later, this morning, I went back to Edinburgh, and had the car towed away for further inspection by the insurance company. I’d be extremely surprised if I see her again.

She looks OK from the outside

Dashboard

View of the driver seat from the passenger seat

View from the backseat

Windscreen from the inside

View from passenger door

Driver seat viewed from the back seat

Towed Away

End of the Road for Saab as Economic Slump Claims another Victim

Today’s announcement that Saab will face “an orderly wind-down of operations” is yet another indication of the sheer depths to which the current economic situation has plunged.

Saab

The news that Saab’s owner, General Motors, has failed to find a buyer for the trusted marque has left a number of my work colleagues, who are avowed Saab-groupies, glum-faced.  Andy, Frank, Leena – take a bow.

It follows hot on the heels of the news this week that FlyGlobespan – Scotland’s premium air carrier – will also be wound up.

Personally speaking, I’ve never driven a Saab, but by reputation and recommendation, I hold the marque in extremely high regard as a manufacturer of well-engineered, reliable and trustworthy cars. 

Fly Globespan

I have, however, had experience of FlyGlobespan and have nothing but good things to say about them.  They’ve transported me and my family on numerous holidays, and we’ve never had the kind of grumbles (late planes, plans cancelled prior to travel, surly staff, etc) which I’ve experienced through the likes of Easyjet and Ryanair.

Aside from the personal inconvenience of having to make alternative holiday arrangements, these recent events provide a clear and stark indication of the depths to which the economic situation has plummetted, when trusted and accomplished businesses are forced to wind up their operations. 

And whilst we’re on the subject of brands which are steeped in tradition and known for operating in their field with distinction and have a global heritage for doing things ‘the right way’, please spare a thought for my football club, West Ham United. 

West Ham United

The way that things are going, I genuinely fear that West Ham United will be the next such respected brand which meets an untimely end as a direct result of the economic downturn.  Granted, some appalling mismanagement of the club’s affairs by West Ham’s recent Icelandic owners has played no small part. 

But, for what it’s worth, I urge Straumur (the consortium appointed to represent the interests of the creditors of Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, West Ham’s former Chairman) in the strongest possible terms to take some decisive action to prevent the inevitable.

As we move ever closer to the January transfer window, West Ham seem incapable of picking up points on the pitch, making the prospect of relegation increasingly inevitable.  If relegation were to happen, West Ham (already reportedly £80 million in debt) would have little realistic chance of avoiding administration – which would see a 10 points deduction and the prospect of Division 1 football (at best) for the start of the 2011 season.

Messrs Sullivan and Gold (formerly owners of Birmingham City) have reportedly had a £50 million bid for West Ham turned down by Straumur.  This raises the interesting (although disastrous) prospect that Straumur (who by their own admission are money people and have no interest in football) may elect to cash in on West Ham’s prize assets in the January transfer window.  By selling the likes of Carlton Cole, Matthew Upson, Scott Parker and Robert Green (all of whom have no shortage of suitors), Straumur would, in a stroke, make an equivalent sum of money to that which Sullivan and Gold were offering whilst in the process removing the spine of West Ham’s team.

The stadium and the London property upon which it stands would be the remaining prime asset, and I’m sure there would be a deal to be done with a housing developer or supermarket.  And all of a sudden – from a financial perspective, this seems like a more attractive proposition than that which Sullivan and Gold have made.

But (and it’s a big ‘but’) this option only becomes attractive as a short term way of stripping the asset if (and it’s a big ‘if’) relegation of West Ham from the Premier League becomes an inevitability.  It isn’t yet.  However, decisive action (a change in ownership and inflow of new net funds before January) is required to avert this.

It’s perhaps ironic that FlyGlobespan isn’t the first airline to go bust in recent months.  XL Holidays – who had been until that point West Ham’s shirt sponsor – went into administration just over a year ago.  Who would have thought at that time that West Ham United could go the same way?